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touch of painted curls
blossoms, refused, quickthink, conditionality, limited, transfers, pimp, fantastic, contagion, mood 
5th-May-2004 06:47 pm
dragons
I haven't posted in awhile, so there are a bunch of little notes here...

Sakura Matsuri
What a wonderful weekend it was! I got to meet and see lots of nifty people. The weather was gorgeous. The food and people were yummy. There were no major problems. More, please! :)

"neither a borrower 'nor a lender be"
Yeah, that Polonius knew what he was talking about, alright. "For loan oft loses both itself and friend." I suck. I offered help recently, and found that when it was accepted, I was extremely uncomfortable with it, and had to withdraw. For my part, I should be more careful, and more communicative. I apologized, but there are unresolved issues.

on timely decision-making
I push this boundary sometimes. I can be indecisive. I like to keep options open until the last minute. It's really problematic sometimes. The way I see it, working through decisions slowly, doing the introspection and analysis makes them quicker the next time. But I wish I were faster, sometimes. I'm telling myself this.

conditional vs. unconditional love
I don't know where to begin, on this. I've always been something of a hopeless romantic. I like to love people forever, regardless of where our lives lead, what gets in the way. For all of them, I still want to know how they are doing, want to be close, and still care. I've learned some hard lessons when emotion cannot overcome differences of opinion and lifestyle. Love does not equal living happily ever after. That's basic stuff. But regyt, the other day, said something that made me think about the beauty of conditional love. The idea that one's actions and choices should and do affect a relationship's feelings, and love should be no exception. We want love to be grounded in reality, and reality changes. My beliefs do not fall neatly on one side or the other. I am wary of anything which makes it easier to stop respecting someone. I am wary of fickle uncertainty, of not commiting, or letting emotions of the moment usurp well-formed ones. But all these ideas, like most, are not inherently incompatible. I try to reconcile them.

on time, energy, and LDRs
I understand being busy and/or tired; I understand them well. I feel a relationship is defined far more by quality than quantity. There are friends I only see briefly over long periods of time, but the interactions are nonetheless valuable to me. No excuse is needed for short conversation, limited time, and other obligations. Time belongs to each adult to spend as they choose. Those are choices, and they are our own. Being stressed and busy do not excuse consistently poor behavior. The nature or a relationship shows itself in how two people treat each other, in how they feel and act in the presence of life's stresses, not only when those stresses are absent.

tranferrence
"Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." I first read this on who-would-be-my-mom's fridge, amidst calnhobbes strips. My respect for the ideas behind this has grown in the years since. Transferrence is acceptable: sharing pain, work, troubles with loved ones is important and necessary sometimes. But it's equally important to be aware of and responsible for these decisions.

self and relationships
Relationships exist if, when, and because they add more to someone's life than they take away, over some term, for each person. I believe that. I'm not sure if people agree, or if this conflicts with people's ideas of love and sacrifice.

joyful pimpage
I spent a bunch of time browsing ursulav's galleries, which I love. Also, Google just informed me that Sean Stewart has a website with the first chapter of Galveston and Mockingbird.

on fantasy and reality
I've been thinking about the benefits of subjectivity in a life model, lately. But I feel like I should acknowledge the other side. I get irrational sometimes, when I feel something is wrong. And I'm usually right about something, and I usually stay somewhat calm. But I still lose the nice clear picture when I'm upset, and this can lead to rationalization and such. This displeases me. I handle it largely by avoiding action and careless words when I recognize that I have internal issues.

contagious behavior
You'd think by now I'd be better at acting consistently regardless of who I'm around. But I still find myself being reactive and adjusting sub- or semi-consciously to the behavior of those around me... in ways I don't like.

mood and swinging
Sometimes I wonder if I'm cheating a devil somewhere, when my mood is up for a long time. Because it can't last forever. Today has quite a melancholy undertone, but lots of progress to balance that, too.

camera
I'd really like to find a Canon PowerShot s400 (or higher) for a good price. These cameras seem to be ideal for my purposes, and come highly recommended. Of course, since they are very desirable, they seem to be fetching $3-400, too.

"Don't bite my finger, look where I'm pointing."
I know this as a Zen phrase in origin. To me, it means: Please try to understand what I'm saying, even when I'm not saying it how you would like. My brain is organized very strangely, I think, and my writing reflects that. I'm sorry if it's frustrating, and constructive criticism is welcome. I know I'm bad things like arrogant and confusing. I'm working on that. But in the meantime, I appreciate efforts toward understanding, and those of you who find me worth reading and responding to. Thanks for trying! Thoughts welcome. :)

I'm skipping a little. Going out before it gets dark. Enjoy! :)
Comments 
6th-May-2004 10:28 am (UTC)
Warning: I'm in a very impish mood. I absolutely love batting about concepts like this, and am really enjoying what you have written.

I know I'm bad things like arrogant and confusing.

You cannot "be" confusing, since you obviously have an internal logic that is consistent within you. Thus, this is not "bad" (even if the judgment of bad were to be attached to the action of confusing). This is simply you in that moment.

However, since others may not so easily share the same (perhaps multi-layered and complicated) logic structure of your thoughts at that moment, what you do may be perceived in a confused manner. :)

You are not confusing, even if some are confused by your words. (The difference between output from one system and input into another.) I'm good at being perceived as confusing. I've thought a lot on this.

I'll leave arrogant alone. ;P (Yes, I'm joking.)

Thank you for all the wonderful things to think on. The experiences of life are great treasures that are often undeveloped and ignored.
6th-May-2004 12:27 pm (UTC)
Hehe. :) Mood noted. I bat back. ;)

I think that's mostly semantics, re: confusing. Confusion involves two parties, yes, but with enough data, conclusions can be drawn about one. And there are, I think, a few people who have little trouble understanding me. Regardless, these are merely examples of faults, where there are plenty more, if needed. :)
6th-May-2004 10:45 am (UTC) - conditional vs. unconditional love
My take on unconditional love is that it is a wonderful thing. However, I do not unconditionally interact.

There are people that I still unconditionally love, but that I have very strong limits with when I interact with them. I unconditionally love who they are, but that does not mean I wish to have my life affected by interacting with them in some ways.

So, I believe in unconditional love with conditional interaction. My conditions on interaction are basically that (over a long period of time) interaction is healthy and enabling for all that are directly involved.

This leaves me free to fully love the whole person that someone is, complete with their issues, but does not dictate a automatic course of action based on love alone.
6th-May-2004 12:21 pm (UTC) - Re: conditional vs. unconditional love
That is very similar to what I described to chryssaliss last night. Works for me. :)
6th-May-2004 10:50 am (UTC) - "neither a borrower 'nor a lender be"
My approach is to not "loan", but to give what I can freely. If the other person gives back, then I have more to give because I have more resources. If they do not, then I have less available to give some other time.

This way, there is a balance with giving and receiving, but it's not based on any one action.

Something far too big to give freely?.. that gets complicated.
6th-May-2004 12:17 pm (UTC) - Re: "neither a borrower 'nor a lender be"
Yes, quite. Regardless of repayment, I consider it a gift. If I'm not ready to give it freely, without any repayment, I figure I shouldn't.
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